Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.