Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Its true…
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.