Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING