Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Goat cheese is for herders.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again