I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
choose your gary
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob