WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Life is a suicide mission.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”