Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.