Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
this is uni