Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
When the stylist spins you back around
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“Why you watching this shit?”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.