Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I feel it
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Eat…
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.