*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.