Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
the noise i just made
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.