My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I have never related to anyone more.
step 6: release the wall snake
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
This hospital has everything
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.