A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.