god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
umm…
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.