I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
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I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”