A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.