Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.