My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
In case you needed to hear it:
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet