What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me: