Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
even bears disappoint their mothers
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.