[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it