My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.