‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
You Might Also Like
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.