Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
You Might Also Like
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
@funTweeters
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.