But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
my first day as a raccoon
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My dog learned how to text
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace