Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“TGIM!” – My liver