Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
A man of commitment.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”