REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?