Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
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When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.