I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive