When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Europe. Made in Germany.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out