I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.