1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016