9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*me flirting
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Doctors texting each other.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”