My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A drum solo but on your face.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up