ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
liiiiiiiiike
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down