ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
From Facebook just now…
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.