I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
giddy up Office Depot
the simulation is moving too fast
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
In space, no one can hear…
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline