17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
You Might Also Like
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor