I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.