Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no