The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Its true…
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
You sure about that?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”