Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
You Might Also Like
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.