Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.