I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: