What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
There is no “we” in pizza
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???