Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
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I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Milk Cube
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?