ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.