I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts